Okay, so I’ve been gone for a minute.
I’ve been pretty miserable, tbh. Switching to a completely different job in a different industry and a different setting and on a 100% set schedule and where I only know ONE person there has been a lot harder than I anticipated.
And also…Wolf me.
I really like this me. He has good qualities. For instance, confidence…determination. Also, the ability to come up with quick, clever things to say.
On the other hand, I hate him because that me is a snob. And also unreasonable. And (as we have known for a long time) easily enraged by stuff that shouldn’t be a big deal.
(I note that this makes me seem like I must have an altogether different idea of what I am actually like, since I’m giving all these qualities to “another” me…just…instead of confidence and determination, think something along the lines of a me that is too terrified to try, or who is easily discouraged…the me who cannot think of a single thing to contribute and who is just getting more and more anxious about being so conspicuously silent in a conversation…the me who defers to everyone because it suddenly doesn’t know anything and everyone else’s opinions are waaaay better…and who instead of getting angry, just dissolves into tears. And cannot even.
Which is what happened this morning when I got my first EVER disciplinary warning. For being late.
Ugh. Today was awful. The two mes couldn’t figure out what to do…rage at circumstances that led to the incident, or panic because it’s already skipped ahead to where I am getting fired…
I can’t even decide how to tell a coherent story of my new job and why I’ve been gone…but I think that over the next week or so, I will try to tell it in pieces…all about Jester’s claims that I wake up EVERY NIGHT in a panic, my very near ragequit, the Code Blues, the texts I am getting asking me to come back to the theatre, aaaand all the small things that are contributing to my general unhappiness, like traffic, sketchy parking, hurty shoes, my ex’s mom…etc. And also a lot of Nachtmahr…