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I did eventually come back from vacation. And I have been…just…busy?
I don’t even know anymore.

Partly busy and trying to do something every weekend. And trying really hard to do more chores more often. And just…trying to keep myself from feeling crappy through just staying busy so that there isn’t time to think about it.

But I do feel crappy. A lot. Like my life is going nowhere and I’ll never accomplish anything and that I’ve wasted the entirety of my twenties just milling around and not knowing what to do…

And I tried to do some things about it. I really have.

Like starting on anxiety medication. It seems to have helped a little bit in that I don’t bolt up from a sleep, panicking. So that’s good. And maybe it’s helped some with my anger, because I can feel now that some of those sudden bursts of rage were fueled by anxiety that I couldn’t identify and that didn’t have anywhere else to go…

So I feel more docile, I guess. But I don’t feel good about it.

I also tried to achieve one of my goals…a little goal. But it was still important to me…

We got a dog. Because I need a best friend. And even when I am around people and they tell me they like me and even though I got married and I know that Jester loves me…I just feel lonely. All the fucking time. So we got a dog from an animal rescue, and I will post about him specifically after my music countdown is done…

But yeah. I know. I haven’t been posting very much this year, and not at all these last few months. Because of the unhappiness. And the trying to keep busy to avoid it. And the anxiety. And the gradual loss of interest in lots of the things that used to make me happy. Like reading, which I haven’t done in months and as a result just skipped posting my September reading list because…just…what’s the point? (Who knows–maybe I have been depressed after all.)

I do want to post my most-listened-to music from this year though. Because at least that has managed to hold my interest in spite of everything else.

#31 is Signal, by Patenbrigade: Wolff.

I spent most of the summer going through my “Goth” playlist, where I’ve crammed in every Darkwave, Symphonic metal, Doom, cabaret, EBM, industrial, neo-folk song I have…and I came across this mix I had downloaded from Soundcloud yeeeears ago. I couldn’t find the playlist for that mix again, and had to download an app to find out what the songs were…and so here we have Signal.

Is it amazing? Do I even understand it? Maybe not. And no, respectively. I know some of the words, but I haven’t taken my Amazon account’s recommendation that I learn German. Yet. (I swear, you buy ONE translated book and suddenly–BAM! We’d like to recommend a ton of language learning books and software!)

I still like this one though. I like that I get to have both the loud and disorienting music, and the weird juxtaposition of the spoken portions. They’re not screaming and screeching…they’re not heavily distorted…overall, I think they give the impression that one can still forge a way through the chaos, although I haven’t been able to find the lyrics anywhere (in English or German) to see if my impression is anything close to correct.

I’ll see you all tomorrow for #30. Hopefully.