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I put in my notice today.

And I embarrassed myself by tearing up when I gave my boss the letter.

Aaaaand further embarrassed myself by having a panic attack while driving home (because driving is the best time to have those).

Now I have to get used to waking up before dawn, I guess…but at least I’ll have some time in between my last day at the theatre and my first day at the hospital wherein I can try to make that transition.

Anyway…this antibiotic is helping, I think…or doing something at least…the amount of mucus coming out of my nose (and my eye, unfortunately) is pretty disgusting. But I am starting to get normal hearing back in my left ear, so I guess I’ll take it.

Gonna watch some AHS and eat a bite before bed. Hopefully I will feel less anxious so I can actually fall asleep…



in the mean time…


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So…I think that in a day or two I can tell you something definitive about that hospital job…

For now though, I’ve got a book survey because that’ll at least give me something to do while I feel agitated like I need to post something.

Also…I spent $139 and some change to go to the urgent care today and get a prescription for my sinus infection. Not having health insurance sucks. And also, I finally had to buy Erika a new alternator. Sooo…another $350. Basically, I spent a ton of money today and I feel crappy and sad about it on top of being sick and nervous about this job thing.


Now, about that book survey…

1. Which book has been on your shelves the longest?
Probably Animalia. It’s an alphabet picture book, but the pictures are really beautiful and detailed, with the backgrounds being filled with extra pictures of things that amuse me even as an adult…examples: there is a Dalek in the picture for D. Also, a swastika on the S page.

…sometimes one wonders about kids’ books.

2. What is your current read, your last read and the book you’ll read next?
Currently reading Playing with Fire by Tess Gerritsen. I’m almost a third of the way in, and while I wasn’t sold on the opening chapter, it got more interesting fairly quickly, so that’s good. I’m hoping the rest of the book holds up.

The last book I read was Swift to Chase by laird Barron, and while I really enjoy most of his writing, I wasn’t too keen on this particular book. I think maybe it was because all the stories followed a core group of characters, and tried to pull it all together, but never really did…and also, it wasn’t creepy. I prefer his creepy writing, for sure.

Next on my list is a translation of Wolfgang Koeppen’s Death in Rome, which I wouldn’t’ve come across without having found that parody band first. So…weird, I guess? Buuuut it’s a story about a group of characters living in post WWII Europe. Not sure what it’ll be like as a translation, but I read a lot of reviews and people seemed to have a generally good opinion of the book. We’ll see.

3. What book(s) did everyone like and you hated?
I’m desperately out of touch with popular things, including books. The closest thing I have to a good answer is Gone Girl. I read it once and decided I’d never read it again because I was so mad at all the characters. I’ve read very few books where I hated them all, but that was definitely one of them.

4. Which book do you keep telling yourself you’ll read, but you probably won’t?
I don’t do that. If I buy it, I’m obligated to read it at some point. I don’t very often read books that I wasn’t interested in enough to buy…so everything on my  shelves will get read at some point, and I’m not worried about anything else.

5. Which book are you saving for “retirement”?
Ha! Like I’ll ever be able to retire…
That’s silly though. Why wait until I’m old to enjoy a book? I can always enjoy it again when I’m retired, right?

6. Last page: read it first or wait till the end?
Good god. What kind of monster reads the last page first????????

7. Acknowledgements: waste of ink and paper or interesting aside?
I like to read them. I like to see the names of those people and wonder who they are or what they did to help. Plus, sometimes acknowledgments have funny or touching little notes that make me grasp more fully that the writers are people just like all of us.

8. Which book character would you switch places with?
None of them, tbh. I mean…I like some pretty dark stuff. I don’t actually want to be a part of that plotline though.

9. Do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life?
Lots. Here are a few of my most vivid memories:
Reading Marcel Beyer’s Spies in the Seattle-Tacoma airport while the sun rose.
Reading a translation of The Nibelungenlied in between tearing tickets when I was a film crew at my old theatre and trying to explain it to guests–HA!
Sitting outside in Michigan and reading Thomas Ligotti’s Teatro Grottesco while birds screamed in the woods.
Reading Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix in a sweltering hot tent at a music festival.
Reading The Fellowship of The Rings while my grandma talked to my parents. I wasn’t really reading it, but was mostly hoping she’d see me reading this big book and be impressed…I was, like, 8 or 9, I think.
Reading The Silmarillion on the way to Disney World when I was 14, and asking my aunt and uncle a million questions about it while we waited in various lines…I was pretty excited that they were also huge nerds.

10. Name a book you acquired in some interesting way.
Well, I ended up with Brian Lumley’s Necroscope and Vamphyri! because I won a Halloween writing contest. It was weird. And also, these books were my first introduction to fascist vampires.

11. Have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special person?
Yessss…I gave Toni a copy of Thomas Ligotti’s The Shadow at the Bottom of The World, but I don’t think she ever read it. It was back when she was super into dark and bizarre stuff, and talked about dysentery a lot. And also before I allowed the bad thing happened to her.

12. Which book has been with you to the most places?
Golly. I don’t know. Probably Teatro Grottesco, because I think it came with me to Michigan and to Washington St.

13. Any “required reading” you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad two years later?
I can’t really answer that. The only required reading book from high school that I ever bothered coming back to later was All Quiet on The Western Front, and that was more like…10 years later. I didn’t hate it in high school though. In fact…I only came back to it because I didn’t hate it.

14. What is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book?
When I was in college, I borrowed a library book once where a girl named Krystyn had folded in a little slip of paper with her phone number, email address, and AIM name and hoped someone would get in touch. It was a book of Edgar Allen Poe stories that I checked out for a paper, so maybe we would’ve had something in common? Not sure. I might still have the paper someplace, but I never reached out to her…

15. Used or brand new?
I like a lot of out-of-print stuff, so sometimes one must go the used route…but I also like to have new books that are My Books.

16. Have you ever read a Dan Brown?

17. Have you ever seen a movie you liked better than the book?
No, and I don’t expect to. All I expect is a good or a bad adaptation of the book…not a better one. If I do find one eventually, I’ll be truly surprised.

18. A book that NEVER should have been published.
YES! I thought long and hard about this question, and there is a single book that I think is completely worthless, it’s Modern Recording Techniques by David Miles Huber and Robert E. Runstein. OMGGGGGGGEEEE, the sixth edition of this book was what we used in my audio recording techniques class in college…and it did not give good results. The biggest problem with it is that it’s a print book that uses a lot of screen shots to illustrate how to use programs…but the 6th edition was published in 2005, and by 2008 was already severely outdated because technology is always upgrading and the book’s shelf life was much too short to keep up with what had been introduced in that time. Now, as far as analogue recording went, it was fine…and with acoustic setups and microphone characteristics, etc…it just was stupid out of date for the digital portion of the class. I’m ashamed that the book is still in circulation.

19. Have you ever read a book that’s made you hungry, cookbooks being excluded from this question?
Heh. The Redwall books. There is always SO MUCH food and it all sounds good… nom nom nom.

20. Who is the person whose book advice you’ll always take?
Probably nobody, but in an interesting twist…my mom has never read 99.9% of the books she’s ever bought me…but even the ones she’s surprised me with have been good ones. Although I feel certain she wouldn’t’ve given them to me if she’d known how dark some of them were…

I think things went well


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I think my interview went pretty well. I had two–one with the HR lade, and one with both a talent development person and the department manager. They were all friendly and seemed to like me and my answers.

And they ended it with the famous phrase that all hiring managers use: “we’ll be in touch in a few days”.

So I guess maybe I’ll know by either the end of the week or by the beginning of next week. We’ll see.

Now I am just worried that I’m getting sick again…my sinuses have been draining a LOT, so my throat is scratchy (and I am super thankful for Ricola and their throat drops that are both helpful and good tasting), and now my left ear is feeling weird…

Ugh. I don’t want or need to be sick again!

On the upside though, one of our other theatre managers traded days with me, so now I’m off the next two days as well. Maybe get some actual stuff done around the apartment, eh?

Now, time for sleep because I am tired. So tired.

job interview tomorrow


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So, I have an interview for tomorrow afternoon. Wish me luck and all of that, I guess.

I’m hella nervous…

I suppose I can always just straight-up tell them that though…right? Ugh. Why do I have to have been born awkward?

I’m sure it will be fine though…just…remember to smile and shake hands…take a small water bottle in case I get a tickle in my throat (but also don’t choke on the water if I take a sip)…try to not wear all black…don’t apologise for the pay I asked for unless they bring it up and my number was way off base…don’t complain about my current job, and instead focus on what I’m hoping would be better at this job…try to steer them away from the fact that I can’t actually lift 150lbs because that’s more than I weigh…make sure I leave with enough time to get lost (since I probably will) but still be on time…DON’T admit that one of my greatest achievements at the theatre was becoming everyone’s favourite Nazi…

I got this.


I’m too tired to feel cringey at this point, I guess.


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Today was a more or less pleasant day. Nothing annoying at work.

I didn’t get a call about the job I applied for, but we’ll see what happens later this week. Instead, I called a bunch of people about working at the theatre…which I always feel a little weird about and wonder if, in seven years from now, they’ll be in the position I’m in now…looking for a way to get out of the theatre routine (or lack thereof).

I read an article that I kind of enjoyed and though I would share with you. It’s about a neo-folk styled band called Death in Rome. I can’t remember if I mentioned them before, but they do parodies of pop music…occasionally with altered lyrics to fit themes found in neo-folk…

This article focuses a little heavily on the writer’s perceived shortcomings of parody artists, but I still thought there were some interesting observations in here…particularly because I haven’t really read much about or interacted with other people who actually like neo-folk music. (Time to set up a visit with my former employee who wanted to recommend some of this music to me!)

Here is the article I wanted to share.

In closing…I would like to tie this whole thing up with a thing that Thabet and I were horrified to learn: the audits this year include a random three days worth of video footage from the offices.

I never imagined I would ever be discussing with an employee the likelihood of them getting in trouble for throwing Nazi salutes on a semi-regular basis.

I swear…


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Do employees at other places ever walk up to their bosses and say stuff like, “Okay, so if so-and-so and I fought to the death, who would you root for?”

I feel like I get that question a lot. But, you know…since I’m a good manager, I can’t choose a side…so I usually just tell them that I hope they both beat the hell out of each other, but that nobody dies because I still need them to work their shifts.

That’s an HR-approved response, right? 😛

Anyway…super nervous now that the weekend is ending. I looked again and that job I applied for is already off of the web site (or, I can’t find it, anyway). So now I keep just telling myself that they’ve already found someone and didn’t even call me…which of course I have no way of knowing, but that’s how I operate…jumping to conclusions that are never good and often also wrong.


Also…and I feel weird saying this (and also now this post is going to go in a completely new direction), but I’ve decided there is at least one thing going on in this mishmash of protests and movements that I really do want to support. The “Alt-National Park Service” is something I feel like I can get behind, because people are woefully ignorant about the natural world, and it upsets me that so much is going on all over this planet that’s bad, and the state of the planet and its resources and creatures trumps (no pun intended, I swear) human politics no matter what. Or at least that’s what I believe. Because political parties and agendas come and go, but once all the water is ruined or all the ocelots are extinct…well. That stuff doesn’t just come back into fashion at a later time, you know? It’s just GONE.

So I did what one does and joined on social media. I shared a post. I may consider giving some money (Idk if they’re raising funds) at a later time…because I’m conflicted about giving a portion of my tax return to conservation now…how do I know government conservation agencies are going to support anything I think is important anymore? Like, I have some research yet to do, but I got mad when I read something saying they were planning to remove protections for wolves…

I don’t know to what extent, which is why I need to do more reading…but that upsets me. Plus this whole idiotic wall nonsense. Like, wtf. I’m embarrassed for America for obvious reasons…but a barrier like that also impacts wildlife and I’ve read studies before Trump was even a thing about how species are impacted negatively when their natural territory or migration patterns cross borders. I have no problem believing that a dividing wall would only increase the negative effects.

Kind of like stuff I mentioned a good while back, reading about ecology in war-torn areas…species that become threatened or die off because of humans trying to destroy each other…

It’s all very upsetting. And I’m against all this human stupidness against nature because nature can’t organize itself to speak to humans on it’s own…not like a refugee or a Trump supporter who can make a case for themselves in their own words. Nature only gets as much of a voice among humans as humans are willing to give it, and I think that’s worth thinking about in a time when everyone is wanting their own voice to be heard.

Time for work now.

keeping it to myself


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So, it’s a million times harder than I thought it would be, the whole keeping it from all my coworkers that I applied for another job and am actually really seriously intending to leave the theatre.

I’m bursting to tell everyone…but I can’t think of why. Like…does it matter? Nah. No. I’m replaceable, I’m sure.

Mostly though, I don’t want to tell them all and then not get the job. How embarrassing.

I’ll tell Thabet though, probably. Because I’ve always found it very upsetting when my theatre buddies have been fired or transferred or quit. On the other hand, if I leave and we don’t work together anymore, that means we can be friends in real life, so that might be nice. Especially since I won’t (probably) be able to use fascism as a topic to bond with people at any other job I might end up at. (This is as it should be though.)

Anyway. Mike texted me and told me he passed my name along to the people in charge of the distribution department, and they’ll probably pull my application at the beginning of this upcoming week. How nerve-wracking.

On the other hand, I got my review at the theatre today and it wasn’t so bad. About what I expected, tbh. Except that Stephanie didn’t tell me what my raise is, and it doesn’t say on the review itself…maybe she doesn’t actually know??? Idk. Corporate won’t have our paychecks adjusted until the 9th though, so…ugh. I won’t even know until right around the time that I *might* be quitting. How stupid.

Anyway. Gotta get some sleep, I guess.




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Okay. So. I mentioned that Jester and I had gone to lunch with some people I used to work with at my theatre, one of them being my old boss. Among the many things that came up in that conversation was the general consensus that I should leave the theatre, and Mike said that if anything opened up in the materials distribution department he’s at (it’s in a hospital), he’d let me know.

Behold! Not even 3 days later and there’s a position open.

He texted me about it yesterday, but I didn’t get the chance to apply because Erika was throwing a fit again (battery light came on and I had to take her to the mechanic, but the battery is holding a charge and the light didn’t come back on any of the times they started the car) and I ad to go to bed early…so I applied earlier tonight.

Now I just feel super anxious about it. Like…what if they don’t choose me? Or even interview me? Stuck at the theatre still, I guess. Ugh. -_-”

Or…what if they do hire me? *terror*

What will I even do with myself??? (Work a different job, duh…)

Idk. I just feel weird. Like…I’ll be disappointed if nothing comes of it, but if it does…just…the probability of relief and terror isn’t exactly balanced, but I’m not sure which of those two things I would feel more strongly.

Wish me luck, I guess.

never enough


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I’ve got nothing new. I’d be lying if I said I did.

Just stuff I already knew:
1. It’s stupid that my job is either obscenely busy or consists of me wandering empty halls and scrolling boredly through my phone because literally nothing is happening.
2. Don’t read books about cold climates in winter. Just don’t do it.

I am disappointed with myself. I used to have things to say. Now it’s just dreading things at my job, and dreading social media because Americans LOVE their free speech and don’t know when to just shut UP. They’ve said all the words and then some. On both sides. And everyone just needs to shhhhhhhhhh….hush. And maybe think about what they’ve done.

I really want to be by myself. For a long time. Yesssss, I admit I wanted to try and be more social…and I do…and I like to see my family, and Jester, of course…but I get the feeling constantly that I no longer spend enough time alone with my thoughts. It’s an odd feeling, and one that I am not enjoying.

Too much work. Too much being busy. Too much obsessing over to-do lists…and when I put on a list that I need to do something quiet or relaxing, I’m also trying to calculate just how much time I can really spend on that thing. How long until the alarm goes off, signaling that I need to hurry up and move on to the next thing on my list?

Ugh. I don’t know. Never enough, that’s for sure. There is never enough time to power down and cut off from everything. Never.



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Today was the most pleasant day I have had in a while.

Slept alright…then got up early to make it to church with Jester. After that we came home and I did a few little organizing things before we went out to Lunch with my old boss and his fiancé, and another guy who used to be a manager at my theatre. It was a pretty good time…I was surprised, tbh. Would definitely do again if we can ever find time off at the same time.

The weather was also pretty pleasant, considering it’s only the end of January…it was in the high 50s/low 60s…a little damp, but not in a way that made me feel chilled and sickly. Soooo I went on a walk and was sad that I really haven’t been walking since around Thanksgiving…

Went to the grocery…came home and read the first few stories in Laird Barron’s Swift to Chase. I’m not sure I liked the first or the third ones, but the second was not bad. We’ll see how the rest of it goes.

And now…pretty much time to get ready for bed.

I open for three of my four shifts this week, so I’m not thrilled about that…but if the rest of my week can be about half as pleasant as today was, I suppose I’ll take it. (Although right now I’m on high alert for something bad to happen, as it often does immediately after I’ve had an enjoyable day…)