Gar. I closed last night, then came home at almost 2ish and ate some food. And then woke up around 530 and couldn’t fall back asleep. And gradually felt worse and worse until I went and shut myself in the bathroom and contemplated whether I would feel better if I just threw up, and whether I wanted to feel better that badly. (Wolf me refuses to vomit. He’d rather suffer, I guess.)
Anyway, fast forward to 845ish…I finally feel like I’ve mastered the sick feeling, so I lie back down. And then remember that my alarm will go off in about a half hour to wake up so I have some time to do things before work. Ugh. Work? Nope.
So after my alarm went off, I called the theatre and talked to Mike…he said they could do without me today (I knew that), and he’d put in a sick day for me. Yay.
Spent most of the day sleeping. Didn’t get out of bed until around 3…then ate some soup and felt better, so I went to explore another park near the apartment, where I realized that our metro and state parks have a pretty significant failing: poorly made out maps.
Does anyone else ever go to a park and think, “it will be easy to follow this trail and get back to the parking lot”, and then it turns out that isn’t even slightly true? Well, I run into that a lot, it seems, and it’s annoying. It would be fine if I didn’t always have time constraints with my park visits…unlimited time to explore and not be worried about how I will get back…
But I don’t. And the maps are always impressively vague with their trail markings and distance ratios. I hate it. Like…I’m looking online at a picture of the map for this park, and it’s incomprehensible to me that I ended up where I did because the path on the map doesn’t even go there.
Oh well. Life is full of mysteries, yeah? (Too bad they’re the annoying kind.)
Still felt pretty good after I got home, so Jester and I watched some television…and…idk…just gradually, over the course of the day, I’d been feeling angrier and angrier. There’s no reason for it, of course. None at all. I feel better…I still got paid for today…I went outside and did things…we were having a nice evening…and then BAM! Rage.
I like to think pretty often that maybe I’m getting better at not being angry. But every time I start to think that, absolutely nothing happens and I find myself suddenly seething and ready to lash out at whomever happens to be at hand.
*just wants to be let alone, maybe?*
Or maybe I ought to revisit the idea that my doctor had of giving me citalopram? *makes a face*
I’m not wanting to take medication. Not at all. But supposedly it would help with anxiety (which I might have) and in reading about it, it might also settle the angry feelings…
On the other hand, it’s primarily an antidepressant, and I don’t need that. And also, because it’s an antidepressant, it carries the possibility of causing apathy and “emotional flatness”, which I also don’t think would be to my advantage. And finally…one of the biggest side effects is nausea. That I definitely don’t need. My constant feelings of nausea have dropped significantly, now that I’ve cut back on fried foods and dropped pizza out completely…and also because I’m not as stressed out (right now) by money as I was all for the last year and a half…but as last night reminded me, that can all come back in an instant, and I’d almost rather continue being anxious and angry than spend who knows how many hours with my Wolf and I debating about the merits of vomiting (or not).
I don’t know. I have no idea what to do. Considering that my mom and my sister have had negative reactions to similar medications (i.e. lots of side effects and almost no benefits), and because I’ve seen how these types of medications are affecting Jester and one of my theatre friends…it’s hard to want to take any of it myself. What if nothing happens? What if I am worse off? Because of course I haven’t really talked it over with anyone…Jester and I briefly discussed it, but not really. And the doctor wants me to see a therapist if I start taking the medication, too…
Nope. I’d rather not, thanks!
I don’t want to talk to anyone about how I feel. *gags*
I’ve moved so far beyond wanting to discuss my feelings that I can’t even imagine how to want that. At least, in non-metaphorical terms. Because of course I talk about them all the time. Or at least I hope that the things that interest me convey some sense of how I am feeling or what is happening on the inside of me.
Who knows? Who knows what I am conveying to anyone anymore. I don’t. *pause* Nothing, probably. All things are meaningless.
I keep thinking that, and I wish I wouldn’t. That X, Y or Z doesn’t matter. Because nothing matters.
Maybe we will leave off that train of thought now, yeah? No good.
Here instead is a conversation from work–
Me: Here, catch.
Thabet: *catches the candy bar* Oh, sweet! You brought me a marzipan!
Brandi: And you’re excited about this?
Me: Yeah, we’re pretty enthusiastic about some marzipan.
Brandi: Oh. Huh. I’ve never known there were people who actually enjoy it.
Thabet: What?! Marzipan’s the bomb!
Me: Except with less shrapnel.
Thabet: Yeah. It’s hard to eat with shrapnel in your teeth.
Me: Assuming you still have teeth after the explosion.
Thabet: Wow, Brandi…your eyebrows just keep going up and up.
Brandi: I’m just not sure how we went from one topic to the other.
Thabet: We’re also enthusiastic about explosions?
Me: *helpfully* I have a perfume in a bottle shaped like a hand-grenade.
Thabet: What does that even smell like?
Me: Pepper, I think.
Me: I dunno. It’s a man-perfume. *air-quotation marks* Cologne, if you will.
Thabet: That would explain it being packaged like an explosive.
Me: Because that distracts from acknowledging that it’s still perfume.
Brandi: Well, now that I know what sort of people like marzipan…
Yay, marzipan! ^_^
I also made a picture last week…because I think Jester and I had a disagreement, and I was feeling really crappy and upset…so because we weren’t busy I thought maybe I’d feel better if I used the box of crayons that keeps just sitting in the office, not being used…
Is it awesome? No. But it’s okayish and it makes me feel better to see it hanging from the shelf when I’m counting cash or doing paperwork. Except then it also ended up causing this conversation…
Thabet: *talking about one of our employees* She’s so weird.
Me: You’re so weird.
Thabet: Um, excuse me? I don’t see how you can say that.
Me: I say what I want, that’s how!
Thabet: Well, you know what? You’re weird!
Me: You have no proof.
*Blair comes into the office*
Thabet: Oh? *gestures to the picture* If you were a unicorn, you’d still have a swastika. Because you’re some Nazi-unicorn hybrid that nobody knows if they can trust!
Me: *sadly* Well…rainbows…hearts, butterflies, cookies…all the other cutie marks were taken. I had to make due with what symbols were left to convey my personality.
Blair: So, wait–why am I walking into a conversation about My Little Nazi?
Thabet: My Little Nazi?
Blair: Yeah, like the cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic…?
Thabet: Oh my god…I can see the new title–Genocide is Magic.
Me: *horrified* Woah, no. That’s not okay.
Thabet: That’s not part of your master plan?
Me: Definitely not. I like the Pegasus ponies and the regular ponies just fine. No animosity toward the non-unicorn ponies.
Thabet: So…what would even be the name of a Nazi unicorn?
Me: Oh…*considers* something like…Kommandant Sternenschein.
*Blair cracks up*
Thabet: Wait, why is that funny?
Blair: *to me* Commander Starshine? You’ve already thought about this, haven’t you?
Thabet: *aghast* You haven’t, have you?
Me: What? No! Definitely not!
Thabet: You have!
*Mike comes into the office*
Me: No! But I am thinking about potential victims for glitter bombings!
Thabet: Oh, god no. Now I’m gonna be afraid to open things.
Mike: Why are we glitter-bombing Thabet?
Blair: Oh, it’s a long story…
Yep. Ponies and being professional and getting lost at parks and also being anxious about being anxious. That sums up a big piece of my life right now.